Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Lost in the Waiting

  Waiting is hard. And long. And often drags along with little to report (thus the 6 months since blogging).  But sometimes answers are even harder.

   Here we are over two years after dad's diagnosis of stage 4 kidney cancer. It's been a long road with many turns and the hardest part- an unknown destination. The last 6 months has been mostly steady. Dad's targeted therapy medication has been working for over a year. It's been easier hearing good news. And less of a weight on my heart as things were going well. However, I've still found it hard to completely praise the Lord knowing the journey's not over. I know I should (and have wanted to) fully give God the glory for each positive step, but it's hard. I like knowing the plan and being in control of it. This is far from that. Waiting is one of the hardest things in life I think. It's unknown, confusing, & scary. Sometimes you get answers you want to hear. Sometimes you don't.

   That brings me to where we are now. A week ago dad got scans done that showed new spots in his abdomen. The other places are still stable, but these spots are brand new. Thus, the cancer has become smarter than the meds. Scary. More decisions, treatments & specialists to come. More unknown. Harder to praise The Lord.

   I want to deal with this differently than just anyone. I want to be joyful and have faith that no matter what, God is good and I can trust His plan. 'Want' is the key word. I've always wanted to rely on God. The 'how 'part is where I fall short. How do you become ok with having someone you love in such a bad place? How can you say it will be ok no matter the outcome? The answer I constantly have to tell myself: God is bigger. His plan goes way beyond me and my emotions. And if I live my life through Him, I might show someone else how to follow God too. I hope.

  We may or may not get our big 'Praise The Lord!' moment of healing.  Either way, I pray more often than not my life will show praise even if my mouth has trouble forming the words.